Will He Ever Marry Me?

I am a 29 year old female PhD student. I came across many online women writting letters with a similar question, that is, if\when I will get a proposal. I have done a lot of thinking on this question, so I decided to share my view on this. I hope this can help some of these women out there, who are waiting for a proposal.

Determine your priority: Do you need to be married to be happy in your relationship?

If you don’t, then stay in your current relationship, and try to be happy and let go of the idea of marriage. If you can’t let go, then maybe your answer to the initial question was a yes! What often happens, and that you really don’t want to happen, is that you stay for years in a relationship filled with resentement and unhappiness, where both of you are not satisfied. This is unfair to you, and this is unfair to him. You both deserve a chance at a happy relationship, and you resenting him while at the same time staying with him prevents both of you from having a chance at a happy and healthy relationship.

If you do need to be married to be happy in your relationship, then maybe it’s a better to wait until you are married before buying a house together with him, having kids with him, etc. But, even if you’ve already gone that path, it’s never too late to do what you need to do to be happy. Here are scenarios, and options as to how to handle them:

1- You know you need to be married to be happy in your relationship, and you’ve talk about marriage with your boyfriend and it’s clear that he absolutely doesn’t want to be married. In that case, you need to leave him. That is the only way you can get what you need. Either you leaving will make him change his mind (unlikely), or, it will give you the opportunity to meet a man who will fulfill your need to be married.

2- You never talked about marriage with your boyfriend. In this case, an option is to test the water, and vaguely bring the topic of marriage to see what he thinks about it. If he avoids the topic, or directly says he doesn’t want to be married, then you’re off to scenario 1. If he seems open to it, then, follow steps for scenario 3.

3- You vaguely talked about marriage, and you know he is somewhat opened, but you still don’t have a ring on your finger.

A. Mention that being married in the somewhat near future is something of crucial importance for you, something that you need. Leave it at that for now, and DO NOT mention it more than this ONE time, and don’t talk about marriage unless he is the one who brings up the topic.

B. Now, you have already determined that you can’t be happy in a relationship without being married. And, you don’t want to be in a relationship in which resentement poisons everything. So, set yourself a timeline. 2 factors will help you determine that timeline: 1- How much time is needed to know someone enough to know if we want to marry them (typically around 1 year of dating). So don’t set a 6 months time limit if you just met your boyfirned last week 2- How long can you stay in the relationship without having your discomfort with not being married or your resentment poisonning the relationship? If you’ve known your boyfriend only a couple months, and you already see resentment poisoning the relationship, I suggest you try to be patient or that you talk to a psychologist to help you deal with the anxiety of the wait. If you’ve been dating your boyfriend for a year or more, then just determine your goal timeline according to when you think the discomfort\resentment will start to be too detrimental for you and the relationship.

C. Now that you have your timeline, you just need to wait. But, observe your feelings, and reassess your timeline if you see that the discomfort or resentment starts to be too much.

D. The day when the timeline is up, if you didn’t get a proposal with a specific date planned for the wedding, leave. You can explain to him that you’ve realized that, although you love him, you two don’t have the same goals (marriage\kids) and\or the same timeframe for these goals, and therefore, you think it’s better if you both just part ways, or continue to see each other casually, while also seeing other people. At this point, he will either decide to marry you, or you’ll end up single, but at least you’ll have the chance to find someone who’s going to marry you. And, better be single than be in a unhappy relationship right?

I also considered other options, but I discareded them: sending subtile hints (the wedding magazine left on the table), giving threats\ultimatums, proposing yourself: You don’t want to pressure your man into marriage, because one, a man who feels pressured usually just braces himself and can’t think clearly and make a decision, and two, if he puts a ring on your finger under pressure, it’s likely he will not follow through with the wedding, or may feel resentful because he didn’t feel it was his decision. Men like to feel they’ve made the decision on their own. Plus, imagine your guilt if he blames you after, or he later wants a divorce when you have a house and kids?! You don’t want that!

How did I come with these options? Well, it’s because of my own experience. I am 29 years old, no kids. I was married once in my early 20s, now divorced. I was engaged once after that. What happened with my ex-husband and I is that I think we were definitely too young (21), and the second time, I made the mistake of saying yes after knowing the man for only 2 months. I am now seeing someone new. We’ve been dating for 5 months. He is my soulmate, and I’ve had the feeling we were the perfect match since the first few dates. But my clock is ticking and I know I need to be married in order to be happy in a longterm relationship. Plus, I rather be single than in a relationship that doesn’t go anywhere. Before I met him, I had decided to not live with a boyfriend before having a wedding date set, but I felt that was too much pressure on the man, so instead, I set myself a timeline of one year and 4 months of dating (that is usual the timeline of “make or break” for me according to my past relationships). I decided that I was going to start to see other people if we didn’t have a wedding date set by that time. In the meantime, I don’t live with him yet, but I would. However, I would not make any major committment like buying a house together or having kids before we’re married, or at least a wedding date is set. So to be continued in August 2011!

Good luck to all the women out there, who are waiting for a proposal.

Sorry-one more thing…..I would not push or bring up the living situation again either. He knows what you want and will act on it if he wants it too. He should want to move in with you because he loves you and wants to, not because of money issues.

What you want and what he wants are completly different things. It sounds like the two of you are not on the same page emotionally which is a big deal in terms of commitment. Has he indicated he wanted to marry you or build a future with you? Either way, ask yourself why you would want to be with someone who thinks your “too anxious and not patient” when it comes to marrying him. He should want to marry you and be thrilled that you want to spend your life with him. It sounds like he may be depressed or have some unsettled feelings about the failure of his marriage. Did he have any alone time between his divorce and dating you? It’s important to know that what is happening with him is not about you or your relationship. It is about him and his life(or lack there of). You can’t change the way he feels right now but you can change the situation that will give him the space and clarity he needs to figure himself out. He is focusing on himself, not you or your relationship. That is good in terms of personal growth and healing but it may take him years to come around and be ready to move things to the next level. He is being selfish and that is what he needs to be in order to get his life together but in the meantime, you need to move on with your life You are the only one giving right now and that is not healthy. This is a turning point in your relationship. He either gets it together or the relationship ends. You deserve to have the things you want but so does he. Be supportive and give him the space he is asking for. Do not try and convince him to feel differently. He will resent you for it if you do. HE is the only one who can get himself back on track. Alone time brings clarity so he will be able to process his thoughts and ACT on them. If he wants to be with you, he will find his way back to you(sooner vs later) Let him come to you!!! GOOD LUCK!!! ps.. Google: Christian Carter. He has some great advice about men and relationships. There are million different topics so check out all of them. They are wonderful and easy to understand!!!

Successful relationships are not based on common things from your past (like being divorced and having 3 kids each). They’re built on having the same outlook toward the future. You are both clearly on a different page in terms of your futures. You have to ask yourself whether it’s him (as a person) that’s important to you or if it’s just being married. If it’s the latter, perhaps you should invest your time in a man who is looking for marriage too. You can’t change people and you especially can’t force them to marry you if they’re not ready. Express your needs and if he can’t fullfill them, find someone who can.

It’s impossible to understand what his interests are. He might really need the time (or think he does) or he doesn’t and something else is going on. There’s no great way of knowing. I’d suggest couple’s therapy. If he’s really committed he’ll agree and you’ll work together on the issues that each of you undoubtably have. If he isn’t willing, it would be a huge red flag for me.

honestly hes making excuses if he really loves you he should also respect what you want.

He Needs more time to reflect upon daily life. He is not ready with being a onesome yet, albeit a twosome. He just lost his house. That is a big clue as to where he is at. If he moved in with you at this time, you may start having money problems. I have seen this work out this way with a friend I have, who was in good shape moneywise and careerwise. She asked him to move in with her…. he did… he was a financial wreck. Whe called me one day crying that he asked her to take out a loan for her in the amount of $2500….. she did it against everyone’s say so….it ended up years later with her filing bankruptcies (him and her) ….she’s still with him today ,,,,, they both work 7 days a week and sometimes can’t make all their rent. They don’t have medical and dental…. are missing teeth …. stay sick longer than when you see a doctor. They are a financial wreck.

Don’t force him to move in with you or help him with money problems. It will hurt you in the end. You also have children to worry about. Think of yours first.

I hope you do what’s right for YOU…….
Marie

maybe he’s got his own reasons,give him some time,and then talk things over…for the last time!!!

well i’ve never been married before but my take is that he’s a bit scared of making that move again its kinda like being married again i’m quite sure he cares for you but he loved and cared for his ex wife and see where that ended up despite three kids give him a little more time if he doesnt wisen up by the end of this year you might want to move on