Behind the Speidi Split

You know that thing where you cry so hard that you can only get out one word at a time? And you make that *snerck* sound every time you try to speak because you’re gasping for breath because you cried so hard? And now you’re half-hyperventilating and also kind of shouting because you need to calm down before you can do dumb things like regulate your volume? Then you’ll understand our physical/emotional state when we tell you that SPEIDI *snerck* BROKE *snerck* UP *snerck* AND *snerck* WHYYYYYYYYY *snerck* YYYYYYYYYYY*snerck* YYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyy…*snerck*

Now that we’ve splashed some cold water on our face and had a lime FrozFruit or two, we’re feeling a little more grounded.*snerck* Let’s tackle the gossip/details:

1) According to reports, Spencer effectively created a douchey force field around Heidi. When friends and family were unable to penetrate this delusional, megalomaniac shield, Heidi fled like an improperly anchored breast implant.

2) Dude called the police on Heidi’s mom when she dropped by to visit. Way to cozy up to the in-laws, turd.

3) Heidi’s getting over her bummedness by shacking up with new BFF and soon-to-be-co-worker Jennifer Bunney. “Um. Who?” Exactly. Bunney was essentially a featured extra on “The Hills,” but clearly, her excellent background work snared Heidi’s tender heart.

The eerily clone-like ladies will be spending the summer in Malibu, doing what all girls do: laughing, loving and surgically altering themselves. Of course, the camera crews won’t let us miss a minute because? DUHN DUHN DUUUUUUUUUUUUN! This new living situation will double as the set of an in-the-works reality show! And while you get your DVR ready, Moonit’s heading for the hills to find out if we’ve seen the last of Speidi.

According to their birth date analysis, Heidi (born on September 15, 1986) and Spencer (born on August 14, 1983) “just click.” (Vom. It.) Moonit goes on to say that, “there’s no better partner in crime when they’re out on a rampage, but it’s even cool when they’re just hanging out, listening to music and talking all night.”

Dear lord. So, how did this crime against nature come to be? Moonit indicates that, “somehow, when they weren’t looking, they went from being best buds to wanting a whole lot more. It’s a scary realization; these two are incredibly tight, which means there’s a lot on the line.”

So, wait. Is Moonit trying to say that there’s something legitimately going on between these two when the cameras aren’t rolling? “For some inexplicable reason, there’s an instant spark when these two meet. Things are always just a little more exciting when they’re together…they can easily broaden each other’s horizons, but they can find themselves competing with each other, too.”

For realsies? We hadn’t noticed. Anyway, Moonit’s friendship assessment concludes that, “unless they keep it all in perspective and leave both of their insecurities out of the mix, the things that initially seemed interesting aren’t so cute when the novelty wears off. Let’s be honest; he can be kind of overwhelming sometimes, and she has a tendency to push his buttons when she gets hypersensitive.” Wow. With this kind of chemistry, we’ve got our fingers crossed for reconciliation–mainly because we can only handle so much more *snerck*ing. Also, we’re running low on FrozFruits.