Brody & Kristin: Just (Don’t) Do It

Why does Brody Jenner–consummate reality TV professional and designer extraordinaire of male peacocking accessories–keep going back to the poison well known as “The Hills?” And why is he compelled to date every faux-blonde faux-star out there? And why oh why oh WHY do we all have to hear about it?

His latest blast from the past is Kristin Cavallari, which makes us feel like it’s high time we broke out the rolled-up newspaper, swatted him on the nose, and said “NO” in a commanding voice. In lieu of using “Dog Whisperer” techniques, Moonit’s finally delving into their on-again, off-again relationship to see whether or not there’s anything substantial lurking beneath the glittery, peroxide-ridden surface.

According to their birth date analysis, the relationship between Brody (born on August 21, 1983) and Kristin (born on January 5, 1987) has “lots of sizzle, but where’s the beef?” Well, duh. Their romantic assessment indicates that, “there’s something there, but it’s like they can’t quite put their finger on what it is.” (Our guess: acid reflux.)

If it isn’t clear, Moonit urges these two to admit that their “attraction…has less to do with karma, and more to do with wanting to get in the sack for a night of hot monkey love.” With that in mind, here’s our prescription for Brody and Kristin: “if you haven’t done so already, we’d recommend getting the steamy part over with ASAP.

Get all your Hills scoop and check out some of Kristin’s latest accomplishments (Choice TV: Female Reality/Variety Star)…
That way, you can cure your curiosity and promptly list that person in your cell phone contacts under the name ‘DO NOT ANSWER…EVER.’” Also, it’s best to “avoid all that cute late-night texting that inevitably leads to repeat booty calls.” Even though these two “can’t keep their hands off each other, sooner or later, they’ll find themselves wasting time in a relationship that’s going nowhere.”

See what’s in store for your relationships on Moonit!

They don’t fare much better in the friendship department: “too many issues start piling up…and, before they know it, they’re living a page out of How To Lose Friends and Alienate People.” Honestly, Brody seems “kind of disinterested in the friendship sometimes,” and since Kristin feels like he doesn’t “appreciate her enough to begin with, his dismissive behavior just makes things worse.” Wow. It’s like we’re hearing the polar opposite of wedding bells, which, or course, is the vuvuzela.