As you probably heard, there is much sadness in Simpsonland. (Not the Homer-and-Bart-style Universal Studios Simpsonland. Although, now that we mention it, it might be awesome if Jessica and Ashlee had their own theme park. Would it be filled with games like, “Avoid the Creepy, Overly-Involved Dad?” “Whack-a-John-Mayer?” “Damage Control: Lip-Sync Your Way Through A Live, Nationally-Televised Broadcast?” We can only dream.)

Anyway, as we said earlier, Ashlee Simpson is a sad, sad lady, mostly because “irreconcilable differences” have put a divorce-shaped wedge between her and Pete Wentz. Sure, their three years of wedlock haven’t been totally trouble-free, but we were hoping that they’d learn to work it out. (Perhaps they could still kick off the healing with a name change for their toddler, Bronx Mowgli…) Unfortunately, the legal-type papers have been inked and stamped, and here we are, wondering why these pop icons are really calling it quits.

According to Moonit, Ashlee (born on October 3, 1984) and Pete (born on June 5, 1979) were in for a “picture perfect life.” Once upon a time, their romantic prognosis looked pretty sweet; they “had amazing potential for creating their own ideal world,” and “the key was in their ability to tell each other exactly what they wanted in the most diplomatic way possible.”

During the good times, Ashlee and Pete’s strong suit was their ability to “communicate with each other, and since no one had to beat around the bush or throw a fit to get what they needed, there was no weird, passive-aggressive behavior or nasty manipulation.” Their positivity even spread to the people around them, and when they were “psyched about each other, it was like they emitted waves of happiness that washed over friends and family.”

Hold up—“white picket fences…everything on the up-and up”…this doesn’t exactly sound like the makings of lawyers and community property. What gives? Maybe the rift was rooted in Ashlee and Pete’s fundamental friendship, which ranked a paltry 19% on the platonic compatibility scale.

According to Moonit, when it came to “seeing eye-to-eye,” these two weren’t exactly on the same page. While it’s fine to “disagree…you shouldn’t dictate how the other person should lead their life…but that’s exactly what you were inclined to do.” Yikes. Unfortunately, “Pete felt like he was being judged all the time…so it was tough for him to be himself or feel like sharing…ever.” We hope these two are better off going their separate ways, and given their analysis, we hope they’ll never decide to “just be friends.”

No, we’re not talking about Scott Disick, although Kim happens to be super compatible with her sister Kourtney’s baby daddy (And yes, we checked. We’re gross like that). Kim Kardashian and NBA power forward Kris Humphries have only been dating since November, but since “celeb-u-taunt time” is comparable to “dog years,” 90 days is more like 18 months. That must be why he’s been ring shopping (which, whaaa?) and she’s been jockeying for a meet-the-parents moment.

A few nights ago, Kim hosted an intimate birthday dinner for Kris, his folks, and a few others at New York’s STK. (We should mention that, not eight months ago, Kim dragged ex-BF Miles Austin there for his birthday party. We know she’s a little…limited, but Kim? Honey? There’s more than one restaurant in New York. Get your publicist to Yelp it out for you, k? Thxbye.)

Anywhoo, Kris’s ‘rents got plenty of one-on-one time with the reigning Kardashian, and reports indicate that the chat involved “get to know you type stuff like, ‘This is who I am and what I’m about.’” (We’re surprised that took a whole 60 minutes…but we digress.) Since Kris and Kim seem to be putting off the nesting vibe, Moonit’s ready to find out if they’re a solid match or just a Kim-dates-another-pro-athlete snafu.

According to their birth dates, Kim (born on October 21, 1980) and Kris (born on February 6, 1985)—otherwise known as “Huggy and Smoochy”—are in dutch with the “PDA Police.” It’s pretty “refreshing to see two people who genuinely dig each other so much and complement each other so well,” and the only downside seems to be some stubble burn. Although it’s “kind of cute that they can’t keep their hands off each other,” we hope they’ll “break the lip lock and come up for air once in a while.”

Still, it’s great that they balance each other’s personalities—he “expresses his interests passively, which tends to work well since she’s pretty assertive”—and that they’re fully “emotionally synched.” In fact, they’re so well aligned that they “have the potential to create a fun, affectionate world for each other…we wouldn’t put it past them to design their own personalized wedding bands.”

Which reminds us: “Speaking of the big ‘M,’ holy matrimony may be around the corner. And since they tend to collaborate well (and they’ve got so much love to go around), kids would be a great idea.” Kim with a baby bump? Kris as a devoted dad? Not totally out of the realm of possibilities.

We’ve all tried to forget about the Jesse James, that lover of skeezy hook-ups and Nazi propaganda. Since breaking Sandra Bullock’s heart, Mr Klassy-with-a-K James has shown his penchant for the dark side, and specifically, for ladies who sport serious tats. (*cough* Michelle (Bombshell) McGee *cough*)

With that in mind, it’s no great shock that James has fallen hard for Kat Von D, star of L.A. Ink. Their whirlwind romance–filled with Twitter proclamations of their undying love for each other–has culminated in an engagement. Yes, you heard it here, Kat is stepping up to the challenge of becoming the 3rd Mrs. James!

Could they be a perfect match? Possibly. After all, Kat’s got more ink running through her veins than blood, and her dating history is beyond questionable. (We can kind of understand Nikki Sixx, but “Jackass”’s Steve-O? Come on.) And she’s got no intention of moving from her home base in LA to Jesse’s Austin digs, so there’s a slim chance she’ll catch him in the act. Moonit’s finding out if these two deserve each other.

According to their birth dates, Jesse (born on April 19, 1969) and Kat (born on March 8, 1982) have “two tickets to paradise.” This relationship can “closely resemble a buffet of awesomeness, but only if these two have the means to bankroll it.” Jesse and Kat “feed each other’s tendency to indulge in the finer things in life.” (With that said, we hope they refrain from literally feeding each other in public; we’ve got a hair-trigger gag reflex.)

It’s great that they “feel totally connected,” but that can also mean neither of them “puts the kibosh on some of the not-so-practical ideas they come up with.” (In retrospect, those matching facial tattoos may not have been the best idea).

If they’ve got “a nice expense account to fall back on,” we say “by all means”; Jesse ought to “take her along for the ride” because the two of them are “into a lot of the same things.”  And that “makes for fun times, both in and out of bed.” (We’re not making this up, their birth date assessment seriously says that).

On the other hand, when we take a look at their long-term relationship potential, their friendship output isn’t an overwhelming thumbs-up. Unless these two were each born with an extra “patience” gene, things may get dicey; when Kat’s around, Jesse is likely “to blow his stack on a daily basis.”

It’s like their friendship is “dangling from a thin wire,” and “any slight breeze is guaranteed to make it twist in the wind.” That’s because they’ve “got completely different ways of dealing with stress.” To top it off, they “don’t have a healthy, mutual release valve for the pressure and tension that seem to be constantly building.”

If you’d like more of a visual, we’d imagine this partnership is something like mixing a pressure cooker with a volcano and throwing some angry porcupines into the mix. “Balance” isn’t exactly the word of the day for these two.

If you took all of Denise Richards’ and Nikki Sixx’s ex-es and corralled them in a room, it’d look like next season’s casting call for VH1s Celebrity Rehab (Either that, or the Dumb Tattoo Expo).What with his debauched glory days in Mötley Crüe (and her ordeal with Charlie Sheen), these two have each had their share of large relationship lumps.

Since they clearly have a thing for damaged goods, it’s no wonder these bastions of stability got together. Although USWeekly dishes that these two have “have a lot in common and are taking things slowly,” we wonder if they can really go the distance, or if they’re just another notch on each others’ studded, black leather belts.

According to their birth dates, Denise (born on February 17, 1971) and Nikki (born on December 11, 1958) might just be in this thing for the long haul. Consider them the less-cheesy version of the “wind beneath each other’s wings…they’re always on the same page, they’re super-patient with each other and they’re ready to work out anything that comes their way.”

Wow. That’s…not exactly what we’d expect from Kat Von D’s former squeeze and the star of Wild Things. We’ll suspend our judge-y side, and revel in the fact that they “already support each other’s ideals and values,” so much so that they “automatically ‘get’ each other.” And after living through some very public relationship roller coasters, it’s great that Denise and Nikki can provide some much-needed stability for each other.

They “connect on a really deep, emotional level,” and since they’re able to ground each other, this kind of consistency and support can lead to “zen-like harmony, spurring each other on to huge life achievements, and eventually, wedding bells!” You heard it here first, America: Denise Sixx. Get ready for what’s sure to be new reality show fodder. Hey, TLC, Bravo, and E!? Just remember–we officially reserve the rights to the title, “Just the Sixx of Us.”

We know you guys will be shocked to hear this, but as it turns out, The Rock of Love, Rock of Love 2, Rock of Love Bus, and Rock of Love: Its All About the Levaquin were all for naught.

On Monday night’s finale of “Bret Michael’s: Life As I Know It,” the VH1 darling and former Poison frontman officially proposed to Kristi Gibson, the mother of his two daughters. (Call us skeptics, but who would have thought that a 16-year relationship and a couple of kids would lead to a wedding?)

Bret didn’t have to pony up for a diamond; the two already designed a four-carat “promise ring,” and the behemoth sparkler’s doing double duty as sign of their engagement. So, now that they’ve battled the ups, the downs, and the hair extensions, can these two really survive life together without a reality crew documenting every step? Moonit’s ready to find out.

According to their birth dates, Bret (born on March 15, 1963) and Kristi (born on December 25, 1970) don’t really “feel like laying their feelings out on the line.” In a way, it’s like Bret is taking a page from the Rock Star Handbook; he “approaches this relationship with a cool detachment…but that doesn’t mean these two don’t want what’s best for each other.”

They’re actually “genuinely concerned about each other’s well being,” but it can be a struggle to stay involved, especially since “she can be a little needier in the emotional department, looking to Bret for guidance and support.”

Luckily, any gaps in the romance department are filled in by a strong fundamental friendship. Moonit’s platonic reading indicates that, while “it might look like they’re on different sides of the field, they really do complement each other perfectly.” Maybe there’s more to their groupie/rocker dynamic than meets the eye; “while Bret’s in the center of the show…Kristi’s guiding him and backing him up with strong, quiet support.”

Believe it or not, these two offer each other stability and support, and “together, they’re capable of tackling whatever curveballs life throws at them.” While it may not “challenge them in any way,” maybe that’s just fine. Anyway, Bret’s got enough challenges on tape to last a lifetime…

Since they have two kids and they’ve been together for almost four years, we kind of forgot that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden weren’t already married. As it turns out, these two opted for parenthood before a stroll down the aisle, so they made their life together legal, binding and official this Saturday. Sure–the past few years have been pretty great, but will saying “I do” put a big “don’t” into their relationship? Moonit’s on the case.

According to their birth dates, Nicole (born on September 21, 1981) and Joel (born on March 11, 1979) are each other’s “happy place.” Amazingly, these two have “one of those relationships that just works.” We’re not big believers in all that reincarnation mumbo-jumbo, but with the way Nicole and Joel “make each other feel as comfortable in their skin as possible,” they may very well have been together in a past life.

Since both of them feel so secure, they can “toss aside their fear of rejection, just be themselves, and go for it, no holds barred!” This includes “taking off on an adventure or starting a new project together at a moment’s notice.”

Nicole specifically “appreciates that Joel makes her a more spontaneous person,” and in return, she gives Joel “someplace safe, stable and supportive to come back to.” In this relationship, Nicole’s nurturing side can take center stage; she’s “great at figuring out what he needs and serving it up with a smile.”

At the same time, “it doesn’t hurt that their physical attraction always keeps things interesting,” so if these two can “address emotional tensions and keep them from building up,” they’re definitely “headed for a life of awesomeness.” Holy schmoley. With that kind of prognosis, we want to be there to catch the bouquet!

One of the nicest compliments we’ve ever gotten issued from a significant other who said, “The thing I love most about you is that you don’t make me watch shows like ‘The Bachelorette.’” We took those kind words to heart, and have generally avoided the Bachelor/Bachelorette/I Love New York/For the Love of Ray J./Will Someone Please Marry a Kardashian, Already? genre.

However, when adorable “Bachelorette” couple Ali Fedotowsky and Roberto Martinez said they were in it for the long haul, our frosty loathing of reality dating shows thawed just a little.

Back in August, Roberto proposed in front of millions, and Ali was all for it. Lo and behold, it’s four months later, and they’re still banking on some springtime nuptials. So, we’ve got to wonder…is there actually something to letting all of America obsess over your courtship, or is this just another reality hoax? Moonit’s ready to find out.

According to their birth dates, Ali Fedotowsky (born on September 26, 1984) and her bachelor Roberto Martinez (born on August 27, 1983) have “crazy chemistry that could get them hooked for the long run.” From the moment they met, they sensed that there “was probably enough to leave both of them wanting more.” Luckily, these two are pretty grounded, so even when romance smacks them upside the head, they both ”need to feel things out.” (Ew. We mean “feel things out” emotionally. Get your mind out of the gutter.)

Now that they’ve gotten to know each other, “they feel so comfortable around each other, they can…just be themselves.” Since Ali and Roberto are pretty much each other’s “personal pair of sweats,” they’re “usually on the same page.” And “if there’s a miscommunication or a difference of opinion–which happens pretty infrequently–these guys make sure to hear each other out.” Wow. That sounds remarkably awesome and happily well-adjusted. Score one for reality TV.

It’s time for the next round of Hollywood Relationship Do-Si-Do! Now that Kim Kardashian’s ex, the infamous footballer Reggie Bush, is engaged to singer/model Mayra Veronica, Kim’s striking back by preying on another famous former flame. (Say that 10 times fast.)

Meet Gabriel Aubry, the one-time luh-vah of Halle Berry, and the father of their daughter, Nahla. Kim’s all over the gorgeous Gabriel, and rumors have been swirling that the callipygous Kardashian is ready for Aubry to make an honest woman (and mother) of her. Will they have any long-term luck, or is this pretty much skin deep? Moonit’s on the case.

According to their birth dates, Kim (born on October 21, 1980) and Gabriel (born on August 30, 1976) are adding some much-needed fun to each other’s lives. Like the Kelly Clarkson song goes, “their lives would suck without each other.” So, even as Kim’s slogging through her daily grind of photo ops and book signings, Gabriel “provides the unadulterated fun and excitement that helps her escape the boredom.”

Kim “loves what he has to say,” and she’s “always ready to try out the crazy new plans he concocts.” On the flip side, Gabriel’s “psyched that she’s so open-minded,” and Kim’s “generally having such a good time with him that she wouldn’t trade a minute for anything.”

The truth is, it “doesn’t really matter where they are or what they’re doing; any time they spend together is bound to be awesome.” Let’s just hope Halle doesn’t have any input; rumor has it that she’s blowing a gasket over the prospect of Kim-as-step-mom…

We’ve been looking into Jessica Simpson’s bizarre relationship with Eric Johnson ever since they started casually dating this past spring. Why “bizarre?” To sum things up, he went to Yale. She thinks “A-E-I-O [and] U” are continents. And now, this strange pairing is engaged! Affianced! Ready to get hitched, y’all!

This past weekend, Simpson showed off her sizable (and unusual) ruby-and-diamond ring during a planned appearance at a Kansas Dillard’s, and everything seemed hunky dory. Except, you know, for the part where Jess’ former flame, Nick Lachey, proposed to long-term girlfriend Vanessa Minnillo ONE WEEK EARLIER. Yut-yoh. Was this timing a genuine oversight, or is Jess just trying to keep up with the Lacheys? Moonit’s ready to find out if Eric and Jessica are actually soul mates in disguise.

According to their birth date analysis, Jessica (born on July 10, 1980) and Eric (born on September 15, 1979) are “en fuego.” Jess and Eric’s readout compares their current dynamic to “living out a live-action romance novel”, and indicates that they “have passion to spare, and attraction levels that are off the charts.” Since “there’ll never be a dull moment,” it sounds pretty good. Right?

…Well, maybe. If these two can actually “take a break from fantasizing…and focus for a second,” they may just realize that their hold on each other doesn’t have much substance. For them, the draw is “more about the thrill of the chase than actually getting together for good.”

To lay it on thick, they seem like the original road map to crazytown; “when they combine their white-hot attraction with some emotional volatility and penchant for possessiveness, they’ve got all the makings of a far-fetched telenovela.”

Moonit suggests that, “if they’ve got a flair for the dramatic…go for it…but there’s a price to pay for this constant state of heightened drama; that would be their sanity.” On the other hand, “if they’re actually into a healthy, mutually beneficial thing, they may want to chalk this up to a fun hookup and promptly change the channel.”

It’s a little too late to bail, Eric. Sorry, buddy. You can count the days until Joe Simpson starts in with his close-talking and his public babbling about your cup size.

Blah blah cougar blah Demi blah Ashton blah too young blah it’ll never work blah. We’ve heard it all before, but these new rumers (pun intended!) about Ashton dipping his wick in a much younger candle are pretty disconcerting.

It seems that, according to Star Magazine, Mr. Kutcher’s lady du jour hails from a local bowling alley (kuh-LASSY!); they met at Lucky Strike Lanes while Ash and Dem were having a blended-family night out. According to the other woman, it took almost no time for her be invited over for a horizontal mambo session within Ashton, but there’s a silver lining; “it was tender and nice—not some random sex act,” she said. (That merits a 360-degree eye-roll and a massive “whatever” from us.)

Even though the whole thing seems a bit fishy, we’re not sure what to think. Could Ashton be cheating? Are he and Demi right for each other? And will their whole May-December romance end in some Fourth-of-July-style fireworks? Moonit’s ready to find out.

According to their birth dates, Ashton (born on February 7, 1978) may have won Demi (born on November 11, 1962) over with some serious game. (Someone who looks like Ashton knows how to be a player? Go figure.) Kutcher is inclined to “approach this relationship with a cool detachment,” while Demi’s “a little needier in the emotional department, looking to him for some guidance and support.”

Fortunately, Ashton can handle her insecurity “with the precision of a surgeon’s scalpel.” The truth is, Demi’s “ego probably couldn’t handle Ashton getting right in her face, so it’ll take someone like him–someone with a certain amount of discretion–to help her deal with any issues that crop up.”

And these issues crop like a bad Photoshop job. This duo’s had to deal with problems that would have brought a less compatible couple to their knees: a double-digit age gap, infertility issues, a super famous ex-hubby, step-kids, “Beauty and the Geek,” an unhealthy obsession with Twitter, and (most recently) rumblings of infidelity.

But there’s no denying that Demi “needs an unbiased opinion like Ashton’s,” especially since “most people in her life don’t have the audacity to give it to her straight.” And, they’re “genuinely concerned about each other’s well being.” And that could very well be enough to get them through the Hollywood drama.