Since they have two kids and they’ve been together for almost four years, we kind of forgot that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden weren’t already married. As it turns out, these two opted for parenthood before a stroll down the aisle, so they made their life together legal, binding and official this Saturday. Sure–the past few years have been pretty great, but will saying “I do” put a big “don’t” into their relationship? Moonit’s on the case.

According to their birth dates, Nicole (born on September 21, 1981) and Joel (born on March 11, 1979) are each other’s “happy place.” Amazingly, these two have “one of those relationships that just works.” We’re not big believers in all that reincarnation mumbo-jumbo, but with the way Nicole and Joel “make each other feel as comfortable in their skin as possible,” they may very well have been together in a past life.

Since both of them feel so secure, they can “toss aside their fear of rejection, just be themselves, and go for it, no holds barred!” This includes “taking off on an adventure or starting a new project together at a moment’s notice.”

Nicole specifically “appreciates that Joel makes her a more spontaneous person,” and in return, she gives Joel “someplace safe, stable and supportive to come back to.” In this relationship, Nicole’s nurturing side can take center stage; she’s “great at figuring out what he needs and serving it up with a smile.”

At the same time, “it doesn’t hurt that their physical attraction always keeps things interesting,” so if these two can “address emotional tensions and keep them from building up,” they’re definitely “headed for a life of awesomeness.” Holy schmoley. With that kind of prognosis, we want to be there to catch the bouquet!

It’s been a long time since we could really dish about the royal family, so we’re a little rusty at this. Here goes: “Pip, pip, old chap! Dost thou seest thine bloody lift to the loo? Bangers and mash. Also: Parliament.”

On second thought, maybe we should just deal with the details. As you may have heard from the 16 kabillion news sources covering the story, Prince William proposed to long-time on-again, off-again girlfriend Kate Middleton. (SPOILER ALERT: she said yes.)

Now, the middle-class Kate, an anomaly in royal circles, is sporting Diana’s ring, and the world’s prepping for what may be the biggest wedding in history. With that kind of three-ring circus in store, it must be tough for Kate. Even after eight-ish years with William, this is kicking up her media (and royal family) exposure a huge notch. Will she be able to ride out the storm, or is this relationship as steady as a house of (commons) cards?

According to their birth date analysis, Prince William (born on June 21, 1982) and Kate (born on January 9, 1982) have a “rent, but don’t necessarily buy” thing going on. This relationship is “as tempting as a cherry red, vintage Ferrari.” What we mean is, we’d “recommend taking it for a spin around the block, but not going ahead and purchasing it any time soon…otherwise, you can find yourself with a high-priced problem on your hands.”

Don’t get us wrong–the attraction is undeniable, “the sparks are definitely there, and that makes for some hot and heavy hook-ups.” William and Kate are actually “similar in a lot of ways and can be worthy opponents, so the feisty flirting can be fun and keep both of them on their toes.”

After a while, though, they might realize that “they don’t have as much interest in what’s really going on under the hood.” Obviously, this can “put a damper on a long-term relationship,” but there’s a chance that they can “ride on the physical fumes alone for quite a while.” No wonder they’ve been together so long. We hope they can turn their bedroom chemistry into something legit, because having your split covered by every network in the world? Not so much fun.

When you look at Kate Moss’ romantic track record, you just know there’s got to be something like the ASPCA for unwashed British rockers; that must be where Kate keeps finding these stubbly runts of the litter. (Obviously, she just has to take them home when she sees one looking all cute and desperate and hungover.)

Given her predilection for the lost puppies of the rock world, it’s no great surprise that UK tabloids are buzzing about Kate Moss and Jamie Hince, the guitarist of The Kills. Apparently, over the summer, the couple secretly wed in a small Sicilian church. Except? Not exactly.

They did walk down the aisle, but it may have been for a slightly different reason. According to Ms. Moss, the couple received a “spiritual blessing for their relationship” rather than a real-deal wedding. (For those of you old enough to remember, about 30 years ago, Mick Jagger and his longtime partner Jerry Hall opted for a similar Hindi blessing.)

The event was so secret, they didn’t even invite Sadie Frost, the BFF who introduced the couple to each other. Is this breach of etiquette a harbinger of other bad habits to come? And wedding or not, are these two meant to be?

According to their birth dates, Kate (born on January 16, 1974) and Jamie (born on December 19, 1968) have a relationship that “may not be worth the price of admission.” Their romantic assessment indicates that, with these two, there’s “never a dull moment…we hope you love Six Flags, because you’re in for a real roller coaster with this one.”

Don’t get us wrong, “the attraction is undeniable,” but while Kate will “want to spend all their time under the covers,” Jamie will “probably end up breaking their bed–and potentially her heart–in the process.” When this duo teams up, “they do a really good job of being bad–whether it’s binge eating or partying, they’re up for it” (Like those countless late nights at China White.)

Kate and Jamie’s assessment goes on to say that, “not only do they tend to be a bad influence on each other, but they can’t seem to escape their own drama.” Unfortunately, “as much as there’s heat, there’s even more friction.” It figures that these two have gotta “get used to misunderstandings, bruised egos, and the constant nagging feeling like they’re being used.”

All in all, their “chemistry can make for a few fun all-nighters, but it can also leave them burnt out and broke in the morning.” Moonit’s recommendation to Kate? “If you’re dead-set on turning this bucking bronco into something long-term, drop the nonchalance, address your issues and seriously talk about what’s important to you.”

What’s this? David Beckham’s reportedly cheating on wifey Victoria again, and this time he’s being called out by InTouch magazine? Here’s an inside look at The Media’s fact-checking department. (Or, at least, what we imagine it must be like.)

Reporter 1: ZOMG! Holy crapnertz! Did you hear that David Beckham’s been getting massages?
Reporter 2: That makes sense. He hurt his ankle.
Reporter 1: No–like Thai massages? You know what that means, right? RIGHT?
Reporter 2: No.
Reporter 1: SEX.
Reporter 2: Oh. Really? Are you sure?
Reporter 1: YES. And he hired a hooker! And she costs $10,000 a night!
Reporter 2: Wow! That’s so craz–wait. Hasn’t be been married to Victoria, for like, 11 years?
Reporter 1: Yeah! And Posh was all up in that action! IF. YOU. KNOW. WHAT. I. MEAN. SQUEE!
*Reporter 1 makes the kissy-face gesture by mushing index fingers together and making smooching sounds*
Reporter 2: Um. So. Don’t David and Victoria have, like, a really good relationship? And three kids to boot?
Reporter 1: I don’t know! But David’s all into sex! He can’t stop! He’s a sexy, sexy, sexified, sexariffic maniac! SEX!
Reporter 2: How do you know?
Reporter 1: And he likes to…make out with pigeons!
Reporter 2: …
Reporter 1: And when he’s done making out with the pigeons, he does a weird humpy dance and then plays Yahtzee with topless lampposts!
Reporter 2: None of that sounds right. Where are you getting your information?
Reporter 1: Um. [beat] God?
Reporter 2: Oh, cool. Never mind.

As you may have guessed, something doesn’t exactly add up. With all these nasty rumors circulating in the press (and a healthy lawsuit against the gossip mongers in the works), can this powerhouse duo stand the test of time?

According to their birth dates, David (born on May 2, 1975) and Victoria (born April on 17, 1974) are our heroes. What we mean to say is, we’re “tearing up like we’re watching Beaches” when we talk about their togetherness. Is our mascara running? Because these two are “totally the wind beneath each other’s wings.”

In all sincerity, these two are “always on the same page, they’re super-patient with each other and they’re ready to work out anything that comes their way.” You can say that again, they’re ready to throw down in litigation with whatever trash-talking magazine comes their way. These two are all about “supporting each other’s ideals and values, and they automatically ‘get’ each other.”

So yes–David and Victoria “connect on a really deep, emotional level, and most of the time, that means zen-like harmony.” And as we all know, where there’s Buddha-esque calm, there’s the ability to “spur each other on to huge life achievements.” Let the media talk all they want, Beckhams. We know the lovey-dovey truth.

Hell has officially frozen over: the most famous bachelor in the world, Spanish singer Julio Iglesias, is officially off the market. (Stop crying. We said Julio, not Enrique.) This past week, Iglesias married Dutch model Miranda Rijnsburger in a private ceremony in Marbella, Spain.

We’d be more surprised, but they’ve already been together for 20 years, and they’ve got a bunch of kids together. Are we being jerks if we call the nuptials a foregone conclusion? And why, after two decades, did Julio suddenly decide to put a ring on it?

According to their birth date analysis, Julio (born on September 23, 1943) and Miranda (born on October 5, 1965) have “two tickets to paradise.” Their relationship can “closely resemble a buffet of awesomeness” if they’ve “got the means to bankroll it.”

Considering Julio is one of the top 10 selling artists of all time–can you say over 200 million records worldwide–they’re probably all set on the money front.

Moonit’s assessment suggests that Julio’s relationship has profited more than a tad from a career devoted to writing and performing romantic ballads; he and Miranda are masters at the whole “breakfast in bed, wining and dining, long walks on the beach and ravenous desire” thing.

The couple is able to easily overcome their 22-year age gap because  they’re “into a lot of the same things,” which makes for some “fun times, both in and out of bed.”

Julio and Miranda’s particularly strong connection lies in their “tendency to indulge in the finer things in life.” Since they’ve got a “nice expense account to fall back on,” we give him the green light to “take her along for the ride.”

Congrats, Iglesiases! Or, Iglesiae? Iglesiari? However you say it, we wish you happy days and more chart-topping hits.

Why does Brody Jenner–consummate reality TV professional and designer extraordinaire of male peacocking accessories–keep going back to the poison well known as “The Hills?” And why is he compelled to date every faux-blonde faux-star out there? And why oh why oh WHY do we all have to hear about it?

His latest blast from the past is Kristin Cavallari, which makes us feel like it’s high time we broke out the rolled-up newspaper, swatted him on the nose, and said “NO” in a commanding voice. In lieu of using “Dog Whisperer” techniques, Moonit’s finally delving into their on-again, off-again relationship to see whether or not there’s anything substantial lurking beneath the glittery, peroxide-ridden surface.

According to their birth date analysis, the relationship between Brody (born on August 21, 1983) and Kristin (born on January 5, 1987) has “lots of sizzle, but where’s the beef?” Well, duh. Their romantic assessment indicates that, “there’s something there, but it’s like they can’t quite put their finger on what it is.” (Our guess: acid reflux.)

If it isn’t clear, Moonit urges these two to admit that their “attraction…has less to do with karma, and more to do with wanting to get in the sack for a night of hot monkey love.” With that in mind, here’s our prescription for Brody and Kristin: “if you haven’t done so already, we’d recommend getting the steamy part over with ASAP.

Get all your Hills scoop and check out some of Kristin’s latest accomplishments (Choice TV: Female Reality/Variety Star)…
That way, you can cure your curiosity and promptly list that person in your cell phone contacts under the name ‘DO NOT ANSWER…EVER.’” Also, it’s best to “avoid all that cute late-night texting that inevitably leads to repeat booty calls.” Even though these two “can’t keep their hands off each other, sooner or later, they’ll find themselves wasting time in a relationship that’s going nowhere.”

See what’s in store for your relationships on Moonit!

They don’t fare much better in the friendship department: “too many issues start piling up…and, before they know it, they’re living a page out of How To Lose Friends and Alienate People.” Honestly, Brody seems “kind of disinterested in the friendship sometimes,” and since Kristin feels like he doesn’t “appreciate her enough to begin with, his dismissive behavior just makes things worse.” Wow. It’s like we’re hearing the polar opposite of wedding bells, which, or course, is the vuvuzela.

Jet-setting socialite Paris Latsis might not have a *job* job, but he’s made a career out of bagging the latest “it” girl. (Perhaps the Greek shipping heir thinks “M.B.A.” stands for “Many Blonde Acquisitions”?) His most recent merger was with Nikki Reed of Twilight fame; right around the time Reed garnered attention for her turn as Rosalie Hale, she and Paris became a not-so-coincidental item.

The couple dated for almost a year (which, in Hollywood time, is basically a geological era), but this week, Nikki announced their romantic demise. In a very Kelly-from-the-first-90210 move, Reed stated that she plans to lay off relationships for a while to focus on herself. (Yikes. That bad, huh?) Since we hate to see a good thing go kerflooey, Moonit’s on the case to find out what went oh-so-wrong.

Check out what Moonit had to say about Nikki’s Twilight co-stars.

According to their birth date analysis, Nikki (born on May 17, 1988) and Paris (born on August 8, 1979) make for a white-hot duo, and their attraction levels are way “off the charts.” It’s one of those situations where they just can’t keep their hands off each other, and while that may be great for the bedroom,  it makes for awkward family reunions.

(”Paris, could you pass the potato salad? Oh. Oh, dear. So. I’ll just let you two finish the tongue Olympics…”) As we all know, when things get this hot, they can be pretty combustible; for better or worse, this pair never really gets past the “thrill of the chase” phase.

See what’s in store for your relationships on Moonit!

If these two try for a real-deal, long-term relationship, they’ll inevitably subject themselves to a host of issues that could bring even the most stable couple down: possessiveness, jealousy and all kinds of emotional baggage. That seems like par for the course for Paris, who’s pretty familiar with transatlantic, drama-fueled disasters. (As a little blast from the past, we’ll give you three words: Paris + Paris 4-EVA).

To sum up, it’s tough to live your life in a constant state of anticipation, always wondering what crazy lies ahead for the day. All said, this split might be the best separation since oil and water.

We know, it’s crazy, but there’s news afoot of Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt splitting up… again. Things haven’t exactly been drama-free for the Hilton heiress and her Hills hunk. In their short period of tumultuous togetherness, press-hound Paris and baseball-player-turned-reality-TV-star Doug Reinhardt have reportedly spatted a lot.

But when we took a look at them back in February, Doug had been telling reporters about sweeping Paris to Brazil’s Carnaval for a V Day / B day celebration, and he blabbed about taking a 2010 trip down the aisle. On top of that, Doug’s parents even started calling Paris their daughter-in-law!

But alas, now Paris has been spotted partying in Vegas with Glee’s rising star Mark Salling and Kim Kardashian’s ex Reggie Bush and hasn’t been tweeting about her boy toy as much as usual, other than to deny rumors of their split, “Can’t a girl have a night out in Las Vegas with her sister, without fake stories being posted. That story is a ridiculous lie. 100% FALSE.” Despite all the rumors of possessiveness and fame-whoring, here’s why Moonit is still rooting for the golden couple.

Check out Moonit’s assessment of another reality TV star, Paris’ former BFF Kim Kardashian.

Oddly enough, Paris (born on February 17, 1981) and Doug (born on October 22, 1985) are a good influence on each other. And Doug’s presence prompts Paris to seek some direction in her life. (We know…) He’s actually, “the perfect person to help build the 2.0 version of her.” Their romantic reading indicates that, “it’s no coincidence these two met, and since they’re so drawn to each other, it’s almost impossible to stay away.”

See what’s in store for your relationship on Moonit.

Moonit goes on to say that Doug is, “there to guide her through life’s many challenges, helping her harness her energy and channel it into something productive.” As if that weren’t weird enough, the bizarro-world reading continues: “not only do they have some serious sparks going on, but they can actually grow, learn and mature from this relationship.” Could it be that Doug’s the “chosen one” capable of making music sweet enough to soothe the savage Paris? As long as it’s not a joint album, we’re on board.

Think fast–who’s more annoying? Is it metrosexual singer/serial dater Ryan Cabrera or The Hills faux-star Audrina Patridge? Quite a toss-up, right? And when you throw them them into a relationship, it’s like their powers of irksomeness increase exponentially; alone, they’re each like sandpaper on a sunburn, but together, they’re more irritating than Tucker Max wearing steel wool lingerie.

As much as we hate to see any romance come to a bitter end, we’re kind of relieved that this pair has decided to wrap things up. The two did their best to avoid each other in Vegas this past weekend, and it looks like their fling is officially kaput. (Weirdly, it’s a touchy subject for Audrina. Who knew she had…what’s the word…emotions?) If we had to take a guess about the reason for the split, it would probably have to do with their collective hair gel budget, and since their commitment to Tresemmé deserves to be honored, Moonit’s going behind the toiletries to see what really went wrong.

Check out what Moonit had to say about another reality TV star’s break-up.

According to Moonit’s birth date analysis, Audrina (born on May 9, 1985) and Ryan (born on July 18, 1982) are “incredibly volatile.” In fact, “this relationship is likely to be as high maintenance as one of the ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’… times ten.” Let’s break it down. “Even though these two are physically attracted to each other, she has this uncanny ability to dump all their issues–and there are many–right onto his back. Since she can’t deal with them herself, we’re [thinking] all kinds of anxieties, annoyances and frustrations [will inevitably arise].”

If you’re wondering what Audrina brings to the table besides a washboard stomach and a streakless spray tan, Moonit adds that, “she can be really caring and thoughtful, but because her reactions are so unpredictable, he never knows who he’s going to be waking up next to.” (As a caveat, that may not be her fault. He dates a different reality star, like, every other hour, so it’s got to be hard to keep track of who’s under the covers come sunrise.)

See what Moonit has to say about your relationships!

With a reading this dismal, we can’t help but wonder why they ever got together. “Chances are, he probably sought her out because of his need for control. If she had let him manipulate her and he could have put up with her endless bitching, this could have been a match made in heaven: his ego would have been fulfilled, and she would have had the sounding board she’d always wanted.” Alas, it wasn’t meant to be. Ah, well. At least they’ll always have the last season of The Hills.

When we think of Hollywood love on the rocks, we often imagine things like financial woes, Oscar buzz and horrific casting choices as being at the core of the split. We never expected we’d be able to add “Lifetime TV movies” to the list of things that sour Cupid’s sensitive stomach*, but here we are.

In a life-mirrors-basic-cable move, Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott got together on the set of 2005’s Mind Over Murder. Yes, they were both married at the time, and yes, they set an icky precedent.

Check out what Moonit had to say about LeAnn Rimes and her Lifetime drama.

Anyway, now that burblings of a Spelling-McDermott rift are rising to the surface, we’re reminded of that bitter old saying, “what goes around comes around.” (Also, the one that goes, “get off our lawn,” but for different reasons.)

In case you haven’t seen their reality show on Oxygen, the fifth season of Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood has been Bickerfest 2010. But have they genuinely been locking horns, or is their sniping just a PR stunt to score ratings? It’s hard to tell.

In any case, Tori’s been known to vent, complaining that “it’s like [Dean] got more and more unhappy and angry.” Yeesh. Didn’t they ever see “Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica?” Don’t they know that shows featuring real-life couples don’t exactly end well? And will they be the exception to the reality-ruins-romance rule? Moonit’s on the case.

According to their birth date analysis, Tori (born on May 16, 1973) and Dean (born on November 16, 1966) are a classic case of “opposites attract.” (Pledge your undying love to us now for sparing you from an Abdul related knee-slapper.) When it comes to this pairing, Moonit begs the question, “if you and that special someone–the one you love to hate–have completely different views on just about everything, why are you so drawn to each other?” (Wow. Not exactly an auspicious start.)

See what Moonit has to say about your relationships.

The answer: “even though you aren’t always going to be on the same page, you tend to agree on one really important thing; you want to be happy and make things work.” Moonit explains that, “this desire is so strong…that it usually wins out over your differences and bodes for a long, mostly positive relationship.”

So, if things have the potential to be so sunshine-and-roses-y, why exactly are Dean and Tori mired in drama? (You know–other than the ridiculous, tawdry part where they CHEATED ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SPOUSES FROM DAY ONE AND HOOKED UP ON THE SET OF A LIFETIME TV MOVIE AND THEN STARTED A REALITY SHOW ABOUT THEMSELVES AND HOLY CRAP PLEASE MAKE IT STOP. Ahem.)

“Disagreements arise because his laid-back style can get on her ambitious, over-achieving nerves. Even though they can be on opposite ends of the spectrum, everything usually ends up working out because, underneath it all, he’s all about giving her the one thing she craves above all else in the whole wide world: his undying support.”

*They definitely sour our stomachs, but we thought the cherubtastic doughboy had a stronger constitution. Case in point: Speidi.