No, we’re not talking about Scott Disick, although Kim happens to be super compatible with her sister Kourtney’s baby daddy (And yes, we checked. We’re gross like that). Kim Kardashian and NBA power forward Kris Humphries have only been dating since November, but since “celeb-u-taunt time” is comparable to “dog years,” 90 days is more like 18 months. That must be why he’s been ring shopping (which, whaaa?) and she’s been jockeying for a meet-the-parents moment.

A few nights ago, Kim hosted an intimate birthday dinner for Kris, his folks, and a few others at New York’s STK. (We should mention that, not eight months ago, Kim dragged ex-BF Miles Austin there for his birthday party. We know she’s a little…limited, but Kim? Honey? There’s more than one restaurant in New York. Get your publicist to Yelp it out for you, k? Thxbye.)

Anywhoo, Kris’s ‘rents got plenty of one-on-one time with the reigning Kardashian, and reports indicate that the chat involved “get to know you type stuff like, ‘This is who I am and what I’m about.’” (We’re surprised that took a whole 60 minutes…but we digress.) Since Kris and Kim seem to be putting off the nesting vibe, Moonit’s ready to find out if they’re a solid match or just a Kim-dates-another-pro-athlete snafu.

According to their birth dates, Kim (born on October 21, 1980) and Kris (born on February 6, 1985)—otherwise known as “Huggy and Smoochy”—are in dutch with the “PDA Police.” It’s pretty “refreshing to see two people who genuinely dig each other so much and complement each other so well,” and the only downside seems to be some stubble burn. Although it’s “kind of cute that they can’t keep their hands off each other,” we hope they’ll “break the lip lock and come up for air once in a while.”

Still, it’s great that they balance each other’s personalities—he “expresses his interests passively, which tends to work well since she’s pretty assertive”—and that they’re fully “emotionally synched.” In fact, they’re so well aligned that they “have the potential to create a fun, affectionate world for each other…we wouldn’t put it past them to design their own personalized wedding bands.”

Which reminds us: “Speaking of the big ‘M,’ holy matrimony may be around the corner. And since they tend to collaborate well (and they’ve got so much love to go around), kids would be a great idea.” Kim with a baby bump? Kris as a devoted dad? Not totally out of the realm of possibilities.

We’ve all tried to forget about the Jesse James, that lover of skeezy hook-ups and Nazi propaganda. Since breaking Sandra Bullock’s heart, Mr Klassy-with-a-K James has shown his penchant for the dark side, and specifically, for ladies who sport serious tats. (*cough* Michelle (Bombshell) McGee *cough*)

With that in mind, it’s no great shock that James has fallen hard for Kat Von D, star of L.A. Ink. Their whirlwind romance–filled with Twitter proclamations of their undying love for each other–has culminated in an engagement. Yes, you heard it here, Kat is stepping up to the challenge of becoming the 3rd Mrs. James!

Could they be a perfect match? Possibly. After all, Kat’s got more ink running through her veins than blood, and her dating history is beyond questionable. (We can kind of understand Nikki Sixx, but “Jackass”’s Steve-O? Come on.) And she’s got no intention of moving from her home base in LA to Jesse’s Austin digs, so there’s a slim chance she’ll catch him in the act. Moonit’s finding out if these two deserve each other.

According to their birth dates, Jesse (born on April 19, 1969) and Kat (born on March 8, 1982) have “two tickets to paradise.” This relationship can “closely resemble a buffet of awesomeness, but only if these two have the means to bankroll it.” Jesse and Kat “feed each other’s tendency to indulge in the finer things in life.” (With that said, we hope they refrain from literally feeding each other in public; we’ve got a hair-trigger gag reflex.)

It’s great that they “feel totally connected,” but that can also mean neither of them “puts the kibosh on some of the not-so-practical ideas they come up with.” (In retrospect, those matching facial tattoos may not have been the best idea).

If they’ve got “a nice expense account to fall back on,” we say “by all means”; Jesse ought to “take her along for the ride” because the two of them are “into a lot of the same things.”  And that “makes for fun times, both in and out of bed.” (We’re not making this up, their birth date assessment seriously says that).

On the other hand, when we take a look at their long-term relationship potential, their friendship output isn’t an overwhelming thumbs-up. Unless these two were each born with an extra “patience” gene, things may get dicey; when Kat’s around, Jesse is likely “to blow his stack on a daily basis.”

It’s like their friendship is “dangling from a thin wire,” and “any slight breeze is guaranteed to make it twist in the wind.” That’s because they’ve “got completely different ways of dealing with stress.” To top it off, they “don’t have a healthy, mutual release valve for the pressure and tension that seem to be constantly building.”

If you’d like more of a visual, we’d imagine this partnership is something like mixing a pressure cooker with a volcano and throwing some angry porcupines into the mix. “Balance” isn’t exactly the word of the day for these two.

When you spend months and months working on a intense psychosexual thriller, it kind of makes sense that you’d bond with your cast and crew. Like, really bond–in the naked way. As it turns out, Natalie Portman’s not only engaged to Black Swan choreographer Benjamin Millepied, but the two are expecting their first baby. Can their chemistry live past the drama and excitement of the movie set? Moonit’s ready to find out.

According to their birth dates, Natalie (born on June 9, 1981) and Benjamin (born on June 10, 1977) have an ideal working relationship. Their professional reading says that, “simply put, when they’re together, these two geniuses can help each other broaden their mental capacity tenfold.”

Because Natalie’s “willing to listen to, accept and support his ideas,” she can “reap some serious benefits from his brilliance.” In turn, her “open-mindedness helps him better express his thoughts, making him more communicative than he would normally be.”

Sounds great, right? Sure, but they’re in for some communication issues on the lovey-dovey front. Their romantic assessment reveals that “these two communicate about as well as Jean-Claude Van Damme and Arianna Huffington.”

Their reading goes on to say that “unless one of them is a mind reader, they’re probably going to need to learn how to express their feelings to one another like grown ups.”

It’s “hard enough to nurture a relationship,” and “even tougher to go the distance if you don’t know how to convey what you need to the person you care about.” Yikes. Let’s hope they view this baby as a joint business venture…

If you’ve watched ABC this season, you may have noticed hottie Joanna Garcia on the sitcom Better With You. Lucky girl–not only has her show been picked up for 22 episodes, but she’s also getting ready to say her “I do”s with Yankee outfielder Nick Swisher. Will Joanna’s charmed life run over into her marriage, or will her luck run out after she walks down the aisle? Moonit’s on the case.

According to their birth dates, Joanna (born on August 10, 1979) and Nick (born on November 25, 1980) are two people who “genuinely dig each other” a ton and “complement each other” well. It’s kind of cute that they “can’t keep their hands off each other.” Ironically enough for a baller, Nick’s “whole game is actually not having game,” but that tends to work well; Joanna can be “pretty assertive” in the romance department.

Not only are they “physically and emotionally synced,” but they have the potential to “create a fun, affectionate world for each other.” Their romantic assessment goes on to say that if they’re casually dating, “holy matrimony” and “personalized wedding bands” are totally in their relationship DNA. It’s no surprise they’re about to make things official.

In fact, “they’ve got so much love to go ’round, kids would be a great idea for these two natural-born parents.” And “since they tend to collaborate well on all fronts,” they’d also make “terrific partners on a joint project.”

We’re just spitballing here, but Joanna’s been doing a lot of charity work to raise awareness for cancer research. And since Nick sadly has connections to the disease through his late grandmother, this couple would be a power-packed fundraising team for a terrific cause. We’re sure no matter what they collaborate on–whether it’s philanthropy or popping out a few rugrats–they’ll be in it to win it.

Remember, back in May, when the paparazzi caught bubbly blonde Cameron Diaz in the middle of a walk of shame? And rather than running, she was all smiley–to the point where she might as well have been like, “Can you guys do me a favor and tell US Weekly that I just boinked A-Rod? Kthxbye!”

Said boinkage turned into something a tad bit more substantial; the two were all coupley until recently, when sources reported that the particularly perky starlet and A-list Yankee had gone their separate ways. Were those rumors about going splitsky just a fake out?

This week, the duo got pretty cuddly at a private L.A. club, and then took off together for some r-and-r time in Miami. Admittedly, we’re wicked confused. Are they on again? Could they be in it for the long haul? Is this the longest one night stand in the history of relationships? Moonit’s rarin’ to go and ready to find out.

According to their birth date analysis, Cameron (born on August 30, 1972) and Alex (born on July 27, 1975) have a tendency to get “hot and bothered” when they’re around each other. Moonit explains that, “these two have passion to spare, and the attraction levels are off the charts.” Is mutual magnetism enough to knock this one out of the park? Eh–not so much. Their romantic assessment details that, for them, “it’s usually more about the thrill of the chase than actually getting together for good.”

What could keep the Queen of Cute and the thoroughbred third baseman from making things permanent? Red flags include Cameron’s, “white-hot attraction…emotional volatility and penchant for possessiveness.” Sadly, that’s enough to tank their romantic season.

Says Moonit, “if they’re actually into a healthy, mutually beneficial thing, they may want to chalk this up to being a fun hookup.” Whatever these two crazy kids decide to do, they still win the award for “Most Head-Scratching Hook-Up Pattern.” Cam and A-Rod, expect your statuette in 4-6 weeks.

It’s only been three years, but Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are already talking divorce. Frankly, it just doesn’t track; they’ve been smoochy and lovey-dovey and I-don’t-ever-want-to-be-parted-from-you-so-let’s-share-a-lung-y since they day they met, so this whole infidelity thing seems way out of left field.

It would be one thing if Tony was like, “Hey, so, um, I kind of accidentally kissed someone else once. Sorry.” Instead, the San Antonio Spurs player owned up to an ongoing affair with a mutual friend, and if Eva didn’t take him at his word, she could easily verify the cheating by looking at the kajillion texts on his phone–and yes, they’re of an “intimate” nature. Do these two have a shot at reconciliation, or has Tony’s wandering eye killed this romance for good? Moonit’s ready to find out.

Based on their birth date analysis, Eva (born on March 15, 1975) and Tony (born on May 17, 1982), Moonit cautioned them to watch out for the “long and bumpy ride ahead.” Even though “these two were into each other since they first met,” they were wise enough to wonder “if that was enough to make this thing work.” The attraction was undeniable, and the prospect of being with each other was so attractive that they were “obsessed with seeing this relationship run its course, regardless of how many huge speed bumps they encountered.”

It wasn’t completely doomed; things could have been great “if they had the self confidence to be assertive and put their all into this relationship from the get-go.” Unfortunately for Eva, her insecurity helped create a “layer of anxiety” that continually “weighed their relationship down,” and with that much doubt in the mix, “things became a bit too uncomfortable for either of them to ever really have a good time.” Even still, they were hell bent on “seeing this one out,” and sadly, “none of us could tell them otherwise.” Poor Eva. We wish you happiness, closure, and lots and lots of chocolate.

We’ve been looking into Jessica Simpson’s bizarre relationship with Eric Johnson ever since they started casually dating this past spring. Why “bizarre?” To sum things up, he went to Yale. She thinks “A-E-I-O [and] U” are continents. And now, this strange pairing is engaged! Affianced! Ready to get hitched, y’all!

This past weekend, Simpson showed off her sizable (and unusual) ruby-and-diamond ring during a planned appearance at a Kansas Dillard’s, and everything seemed hunky dory. Except, you know, for the part where Jess’ former flame, Nick Lachey, proposed to long-term girlfriend Vanessa Minnillo ONE WEEK EARLIER. Yut-yoh. Was this timing a genuine oversight, or is Jess just trying to keep up with the Lacheys? Moonit’s ready to find out if Eric and Jessica are actually soul mates in disguise.

According to their birth date analysis, Jessica (born on July 10, 1980) and Eric (born on September 15, 1979) are “en fuego.” Jess and Eric’s readout compares their current dynamic to “living out a live-action romance novel”, and indicates that they “have passion to spare, and attraction levels that are off the charts.” Since “there’ll never be a dull moment,” it sounds pretty good. Right?

…Well, maybe. If these two can actually “take a break from fantasizing…and focus for a second,” they may just realize that their hold on each other doesn’t have much substance. For them, the draw is “more about the thrill of the chase than actually getting together for good.”

To lay it on thick, they seem like the original road map to crazytown; “when they combine their white-hot attraction with some emotional volatility and penchant for possessiveness, they’ve got all the makings of a far-fetched telenovela.”

Moonit suggests that, “if they’ve got a flair for the dramatic…go for it…but there’s a price to pay for this constant state of heightened drama; that would be their sanity.” On the other hand, “if they’re actually into a healthy, mutually beneficial thing, they may want to chalk this up to a fun hookup and promptly change the channel.”

It’s a little too late to bail, Eric. Sorry, buddy. You can count the days until Joe Simpson starts in with his close-talking and his public babbling about your cup size.

Pink’s never exactly been a master of subtlety, and since she’s not really one to hide her feelings, you can get a solid bead on her life just by reading her lyrics. Case in point: after her 2008 split from spouse & motocross racer Carey Hart, she added a new song So What to her repertoire.

The single features lines like, “I guess I just lost my husband” and “I’m alright, I’m just fine and you’re a tool.” (It’s hard to tell, but we think she might have been a little ticked off at the time.) So, yeah. She kind of lets it all hang out. Now that the couple has mended their relationship, should we be keeping an eye out for a song called Knocked Up?

US Weekly’s reporting that the volatile virtuoso is 12 weeks along with Hart’s baby, and that pair couldn’t be happier. If that’s the case, then why isn’t Pink singing about it? What’s with all the mystery?

And we know these two can make it as rock stars and daredevils, but are they ready for the most dangerous adventure ever? And by that, we mean “parenthood?” Moonit’s ready to find out.

According to their romantic analysis, Pink (born on September 8, 1979) and Carey (born on July 17, 1975) “fit like a glove.” It’s probably a good thing that they’re already married, because, by all accounts Carey is Pink’s, “soul mate…someone who finally understands her and all her craziness.” This is no mere infatuation; these two can be exactly who they are around each other, “because they know they’re going to love each other even when they’re totally breaking out or come home all sweaty from the gym.”

Apparently, their bad-ass ways really resonate with each other; “when they’re together–and they’ll want to be together all the time–everything is a thousand times cooler.” Even the toughest parts of parenthood should be no problem for these two, because “when they’re having a bad day, they manage to make each other laugh and genuinely feel better just by hearing the sound of each other’s voices.”

And guess what? Their awesomeness goes well beyond the emotional level. Moonit indicates that “their synergy also extends to their finances, so they’ll be able to afford their adventures and generate some extra cash to boot.” It’s sounds like they’ve already taken our advice, which goes something like, “go ahead –start that project together! Pop out a few kids! It’ll likely be the best thing you’ve ever done, and mostly because you’re doing it together.” Aw. Here’s to adorably punk babies with attitude. We can’t wait.

Woo-hoo! Huzzah! Yippie-ay-oh-cai-ay! Why are we celebrating? Because Karina Smirnoff finally figured out that hooking up with her Dancing With The Stars castmates is a terrible idea! Remember her split with former dance partner Mario Lopez? Or her whirlwhind engagement to crazypantz Maksim Chmerkovskiy?

Finally–FINALLY–Karina’s pairing off with someone whose version of “fancy footwork” means doing the ‘chicken dance’ at a wedding. Her latest fiancee is Brad Penny, starting pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals, and by all accounts, he’s a real-deal “Southern Gentleman.”

Penny proposed with a 4.5 carat sparkler, and since then, the two have been deeply immersed in the cutesy-poo-dom that comes with engagement. Can their mere year of dating support a solid marriage, or is Smirnoff just looking for an escape from twinkle-toed two-timers? Moonit’s ready to find out.

According to their birth dates, Karina (born on January 2, 1978) and Brad (born on May 24, 1978) may be “taking the easy way out.” This relationship “brings to mind the early days of Brit and K-Fed.” Now, now, we can explain. The good thing is that they “can’t keep their mitts off each other and want to spend all their time together”…the bad thing is that they’re “not exactly making each other better people.”

What does that mean, exactly? Well, in Karina and Brad’s case, there’s nearly “zero motivation to get out of bed unless there’s talk of 2-for-1 early bird drink specials at the hotel’s pool bar.” Since they’re eating and breathing bliss, it’s easy for Karina to ignore any niggling doubts; Brad seems to be “the answer to her prayers: always there for her, ready to take care of her and never asking anything in return.”

When these two are out on the town, “they can be quite the dynamic and romantic duo, making everyone around them jealous with their lavish public displays of affection.” But when it comes down to getting serious and actually talking about “the future of their relationship,” Karina’s “probably not as thrilled about his reaction.”

On paper–and gauging by their astronomical number of PDAs–Karina and Brad have “seeming simpatico,” but truthfully, “this relationship has more commitment issues than a psych ward.” A friendly piece of advice: if they want to see this thing through, they’re “going to have to level with each other about what they really want.” Otherwise, this engagement may turn out to be yet another DWTS-style disaster.

You know that phrase, “a picture’s worth a thousand words?” Now that R&B singer Monica has tweeted a pic of her brand new engagement ring, the phrase should be more like, “a picture’s worth about 10 carats.” The dazzler comes courtesy of Shannon Brown, shooting guard for the L.A. Lakers, and even though the two have only been together for about four months, they’re ready to make it official.

Clearly, not everyone’s on board; Monica added some pretty guarded text to her eye-searing pic, stating, “for all my real supporters who are happy for me. I thank u, I love u…I don’t have anything else to say about it 2 people who judge. If u worked on self u wouldn’t even see me.” Defensive, much? With this short a courtship, we have to wonder: is the gigantic rock a sign of true love, or some big-time overcompensation? Moonit’s ready to find out.

According to their birth dates, Monica (born on October 24, 1980) and LA Lakers Shannon Brown (born on November 29, 1985) are in for a “sexy time explosion.” While these two may be redefining the word “scalding” with their crazily off-the-charts chemistry, their attraction is “decidedly skin deep.” They may feel like they’re destined to be together, but they’ll probably never get to talk about why. Then again, “who needs words when you’ve got Victoria’s Secret lingerie on hand?”

It’s great that they can keep up with the bedroom-based exercise gauntlet, but “even though they have a good helping of physical stamina, they’re not going to be running any mental marathons together.” In fact, they limit each other’s ability to communicate so much that they “express emotions about as well as Rihanna and Chris Brown.”

Luckily for them, “they’ve always got their friends to turn to for deep, soul-searching discussions,” so if couple-y conversation dries up, they can just turn to their buddies. Odds are, though, they’ll never even notice if they run out of things to say, because “there’s a good chance Monica and Shannon will be able to keep themselves entertained in the bedroom for years on end.”

We have just one warning for this couple: make sure you aren’t “crossing the line between kinky and dangerous. You two crazy kids have a way of getting extra creative.” Eeesh. We don’t want to know.