Jada and Will Get Sexy on Oprah

After much finagling, Moonit was able to acquire a verbatim transcript* of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith’s pre-”Oprah” conversation. We’re pleased to present this new level of excellence in journalism to our discerning audience.

JADA PINKETT SMITH: I love she’s the one called “Oprah.” It’s a power name. And I love that she will be asking us questions about our sexing.
WILL SMITH: Yes, my wife of 12 years, mother of my three children, my unparalleled queen. You are electric. We are electric.
JADA PINKETT SMITH: She, the “Oprah,” calls us “Hollywood’s First Family.” Her deference will be rewarded!
WILL SMITH: Yes! She is powerful! And electric!
JADA PINKETT SMITH: I love that our offspring, your mother, your ex-wife and her new mate will be here for our magnificent display of power. Also, do you think we should talk about our sexing?
WILL SMITH: Why wouldn’t we? Unless we share the splendid details of our power-merging, how will others learn? How will they know the truth that is our sexing? How will our family know?
JADA PINKETT SMITH: I agree. Your mother shall know the details of my coy texting of what is known as “the dirty pictures.” And of “surprising” you. With sexing.
WILL SMITH: I feel electricity! In my groin!
JADA PINKETT SMITH: I, too!
WILL SMITH: I shall feign embarrassment in the discussions of our sexing! It is endearing!
JADA PINKETT SMITH: How could we be the “gay?” We transcend these labels!
WILL SMITH: Indeed! And we shall prove it with our talk of our sexing while promoting our son’s remake of The Karate Kid!
JADA PINKETT SMITH: He is the product of our merging!
WILL SMITH: And sexing!
JADA PINKETT SMITH: Sexing! Sex sex sexing!
WILL SMITH: Mergesexing! Sexing!
HAPLESS CAMERA-OP: Um, Smiths? You’re on in 3…2…1…
WILL/JADA: SEXINGPOWERMERGE. ALSO, SEXING.

FIN.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming.

According to their birth date analysis, Will (born on September 25, 1968) and Jada (born on September 18, 1971) “may have just been out to play, but it looks like they’re stumbled upon their soul mates.” And now? “They’re the kind of couple that annoys the ever-loving hell out of the rest of us.”

Warning signs include “being considerate and attuned to each other’s needs… canoodling in public places… finishing each other’s sentences… genuinely having fun doing the same things… and being totally synced up in the bedroom.”

Moonit goes on to say that Jada can “think of her boo as…her mirror image,” and since these two “have such a strong emotional bond (and probably even some shared cultural values), a trip down the aisle at some point is a distinct possibility.” (Clearly, in this case, Moonit has taken a time machine back to 1996.)

To close, Moonit offers some serious advice: “In the words of the late-’80s Madonna, cherish the joy, and don’t take a second with this person for granted–it’ll be a long time coming before you find another someone you’re so aligned with.” True that. Also: POWER.

*What we imagined.