Marilyn Manson & Evan Rachel Wood: What the?

We have a confession to make: we kind of stopped caring about shock-rocker Marilyn Manson about 15 years ago. He started off all scary and interesting and challenging-our-belief-systems-y, but how long can anyone really sustain a 24/7 freakshow? And somewhere towards the mid-’90s, his antics just turned sad. Were we to have a conversation with him circa 2000, we imagine it would have gone something like this:

MM: Hey. Did you see? I just bit the head off a rattlesnake and drank its blood! On stage! Wasn’t that awesome?
Us: Um. Sure. [beat] Hey. Do you know where we can catch a cab?
MM: But the rattlesnake! And then, did you see how I sprayed the audience with raw meat? And then made out with a mummy?
Us: Yeah. Cool.
MM: Cool, or AWESOME?
Us: We should really run.
MM: But can’t you just stay for a minute or two longer? Twiggy Ramirez is going to bring out an effigy of me and then I’m going to burn it and smear the ashes on myself and then paint the word “antichrist” on my body. It’s going to be the coolest ever! And then, I’ll play you my new tracks…
Us: Oh, yeah, totally. It’s just that we’ve got an early meeting tomorrow, and rattlesnake blood is really hard to get out of cotton. But we’ll totally call you.
MM: But you don’t have my num….
[We drive away. Marilyn sniffles]

FIN

Anyway, things looked much brighter when gorgeous, mercurial Evan Rachel Wood came on the scene in 2007. We didn’t necessarily understand the attraction, but in spite of their on-again-off-again-engaged-again weirdness, we had high hopes. Unfortunately, the couple just announced their latest split, and it seems like this one might stick. So, why did these two get together to begin with? And do they have a shot at patching up the pieces? Moonit’s on the case.

Moonit’s been trying to figure out how Marilyn Manson ever brainwashed a stunner like Evan Rachel Wood into being his girlfriend-turned-fiancee. According to their birth date analysis, he didn’t have to; Marilyn (born on January 5, 1969) and Evan (born on September 7, 1987) have the potential to be a “Brangelina. A Speidi. A TomKat.” What we’re trying to say is, these two can be so great with each other, they could inspire a celebrity moniker if Marilyn weren’t such a massive tweak show.

They “naturally exude this incredibly positive energy” when they’re around each other. And “when they’re together, everything seems to work out for the best.” That’s probably because Marilyn “manages to only see the good qualities” in Evan and “completely bags the rest.”

At the same time, Evan’s “not afraid to show some serious PDA and is genuinely concerned about his well-being.” They’re “totally there for each other, they crack each other up like no one else can, and their togetherness brings good luck” for both of them. And if that’s not enough, “they’re generous, too.”

In terms of their platonic potential, they get a pretty solid “friends with benefits” rating. Their friendship reading goes on to say that there are “a lot of pluses both of them can derive from this friendship besides just having fun together.” It’s “not just luck that these two started hanging out because they’re genetically wired to be tight.” Huh.

Even though they’re a seemingly mismatched on the surface, these two are cosmically linked. Maybe we haven’t seen the last of their relationship, after all. We guess it just goes to show that you should never judge a book by its cover…or, in their case, a weirdly Goth couple for their shock value.