Sandy & Jesse: A Look Under the Hood

Long ago, in a tomboy-blossoms-out-of-ugly-duckling-phase flick far, far away, actress Sandra Bullock cooled her heels with ruggedly handsome guys like Tate Donovan, Troy Aikman and Matthew McConaughey. She was super pretty, and by our count, very, very bored. Then, one ill-fated day, the down-to-earth movie star got together with a motorcycle maniac named Jesse James, and it felt like all the world’s six-and-a-half-million people collectively went, “WTF?”

Had she eaten a poisoned apple? Was she under a magic spell? Did she have some bad Botox that totally affected the decision-making lobe of her brain? We’re not sure. All we know is, Earth’s population and the media finally came to terms with the bizarro pairing (and the head-to-toe tattoos), and America’s sweetheart and the grease monkey lived happily ever after.

For, like, five years.

See, the custody battle with James’ porn star ex-wife was kinda tough to swallow. And can we talk about the infidelity rumors? (Reportedly, Jesse’s been shacking up with way-déclassé be-inked stripper Michelle McGee.) Now that the fairytale’s falling apart, Moonit’s taking a look under the hood of this oddball relationship.*

See what Moonit had to say about other infidelity rumors.

According to their birth dates, Sandra (born on July 26, 1964) is inclined to “come on a little too strong” for Jesse (born on April 19, 1969). Moonit offers this: “it’s really good to know what you want and how to go for it, but your assertiveness can have some unintended consequences when it comes to him.” That may be true, given that “the White Gorilla” is a tough guy who’s used to wearing the pants. (And apparently taking them off as well. Ahem.)

Check out what Moonit has to say about your relationships!

As Moonit sees it, Sandra is, “all about making the move and not over-thinking things, while Jesse operates at a snail’s pace.” Moonit urges Sandra not to, “write him off as being too self-involved; it’s a defensive reaction to your ‘overwhelming’ demands…And it should make you feel better that it’s nothing personal. You two just have really different approaches to life and dating.” (You can say that again. This is the first and last time you’ll see red carpet royalty saying “I do!” to the star of “Monster Garage.”)

There’s a silver lining, though. “All this tension can be uncomfortable and suffocating, but it also mean there are some serious fireworks” in bed. Their reading concludes by saying that, “believe it or not, these two have the potential for a rewarding union if they can respect each other’s positive qualities.” Hm. “Respect.” Maybe that should be Jesse’s next tattoo…

*How’s that for a mixed metaphor?